Me: Jumping, jumping, jumping JACK! Jumping JACK! Lift, lift weights, running, running in that weird kicking-your-own-butt-glad-I’m-in-my-own-living-room way (kind of fun!), sweating, huffing, puffing, cursing, ab work, ab work, punch, punch, PUNCH!, pretend you have a jumping rope, pretend you have a jumping rope, higher! higher! back to the floor for chest flies, fly, fly, squaaaatttts, squaaaaattts, burning sensation in thighs, make it stop, jumping, jumping, jumping JACK! I feel like I’m going. To. Die!!!!!

Jillian Michaels: DON’T STOP NOW! KEEP GOING! YOU NEED STRESS TO CHANGE! EVERYTHING I SAY IS MEANT TO BE WRITTEN IN CAPITAL LETTERS! YES, I KNOW YOU HATE ME! I KNOW YOU WANT TO KICK IN THE TV SCREEN! BUT I GET RESULTS! RESULTS! RESULTS! DON’T STOP, I SAID! KICK THAT ASS, KICK THAT ASS! YES, I HAVE RIDICULOUS ABS, AND YOU HATE ME EVEN MORE FOR IT! DROP TO THE FLOOR. UP. DOWN. UP I SAID! NO BREAKS, I SAID! JUST TWO MORE. I MEAN FIVE MORE. AND FIVE MORE AFTER THAT. WE DON’T GET THESE KINDS OF ABS FOR FREE, PEOPLE! DON’T PHONE IT IN! WE DON’T QUIT AT THE END! I WANT YOU TO FEEL LIKE YOU’RE GOING. TO. DIE!!!!!!

Rosie-the-20-Pound-Cat: