“How do I like my new mouth guard?  Well, it hasn’t bugged me yet!”

“How often do I floss?  I aim for three times a day.  What brand of floss do I use?  Er, it’s the floss in that little blue box…what’s it called again?  I can’t remember…but it’s the one in the little blue box with the white print that you can get from Target?  The one that’s supposed to fight cavities, remove tartar sauce, and cure the common cold?”

“No, no sensitive spots on my teeth today.  YEE-OUCH!!!!  SON OF A…Will I move my tongue away from that corner of my mouth so you can get at those teeth with your sharp pick?  SON OF A…er, just allergic to cold water over in that corner.  Because I don’t need any fillings this go-round.  Not me!  YEE-OUCH!!!!  SON OF A….”

“Do I eat a lot of candy?  No, I’m a vegetarian.”

“Uh huh, I did dutifully run out after my last appointment and pick up that prescription mouthwash for sensitive teeth that you took the time to prescribe.  I just don’t fancy the taste.  What does it taste like?  Er, mint?  Yes, I’ll be sure to give the cinnamon flavor a try.”

“Of course I’ll be here right at 8 a.m. next time if you agree to schedule me that early again.  I promise.”

1. Clip hair off face into random ponytail.  Admire sassy self and wonder why ponytails never look this adorable when make an effort.
2. Apply Crest White Strips and wait for them to dissolve while doing poses from yoga cards and drinking hot cocoa with Hershey’s Syrup, the light version.
3. Brush teeth with extra-foamy stuff.
4. Floss those puppies, too.
5. Swish multi-purpose Listerine (Prevent cavities! Whiten teeth! Freshen breath! Attract multiple boyfriends!) for 60 seconds like in the commercials.  (Yee-ouch!  More like 10.  SPIT!)
6. Change into “Life Is Good” T-shirt and Old Navy bottoms with daisy print.
7. Remove contacts; blindly place them in jar of fizzy stuff.
8. Squint into mirror; pluck and tweeze random hairs.
9. Apply double dose of facial-hair bleach.
10. Yee-ouch!
11. Remove make-up with make-up removal wipe with special moisturizers.
12. Wash face with gritty stuff to slough away dead skin cells.
13. Apply toner on face to acid-burn dead skin cells.
14. Take a jack-hammer to face to hammer away dead skin cells.
15. Apply facial-pigment lightener.
16. Apply facial moisturizer to counteract drying effects of facial-pigment lightener.
17. Apply eye-lifting cream above eyes and eye-depuffing cream beneath eyes.
18. Apply pimple cream to red spot on nose that could be emerging pimple.  (Egads!)
19. Buff off loose lip-skin flakes with warm washcloth.
20. Slather on sugar-infused lip conditioner; wipe off with tissue.
21. Slather on lip balm.
22. Slather body lotion all over body.
23. Slather hand lotion all over hands. 
24. Slather more creamy stuff wherever it makes sense just for good measure.
25. Remove hair clip.  Watch hair clump around face in manner that in no way resembles the movies.
26. Place glasses on face.  Note through cloudy view that they need cleaning. 
27. Clean glasses. 
28. Place glasses back on face.
29. Potty break.
30. Wash hands.
31. Reapply lotion to hands.
32. Set house alarm just in case.
33. Check BlackBerry for messages from multiple boyfriends.  Find none.  Place BlackBerry and flashlight beside bed just in case.
34. Set alarm clock for 6 a.m.  Think better of it and set alarm clock for 6:45 a.m.
35. Turn off lamp.

And this is what we women do just to get ready…

for BED!