An only-slightly-exaggerated story from this morning:

Brownies tightly wrapped in foil on kitchen counter. Anyway, must fix this computer problem. I wonder who might help? Notice cute little logo winking at me from below computer screen: “DELL,” with the “E” leaning to the left in cheeky manner.

Ah, yes, the nice folks at Dell. So helpful when I was buying my computer — suggested all kinds of nifty accessories and gadgets to make my computing experience more modern.

Click into Internet world, type “dell.com.” Click “All Support Options,” then “Technical Support.” Easy enough. Will have this problem fixed in no time and can move on to prepare turkey on whole wheat for lunch. Just need the phone number for those brainy tech-support people.

“Not so fast. Please enter your service-tag number.”

Say what?

“Or else we won’t give you the phone number.”

Lift foil, pinch tiny corner of brownie from pan.

Now where would I find such a thing as a service-tag number? “Look on the bottom of your computer, dummy.”

Lift computer and peer underneath. Locate blur of tiny numbers in font-size point 4. Write numbers with right hand while balancing laptop over head with left. Type 27-digit number rife with Xs, Qs, and Zs and other hard-to-reach letters.

“Sorry. Looks like you ordered your computer in the U.S. This is Dell Canada. We can’t help you from all the way up here.”

Cut official brownie square. Eat in one gulp.

Type “dell.com” (with extra force). Search Home page for 20 minutes for “Contacts.” Eyes keep tripping over mocking slogan: “See how these entrepreneurs use technology to solve business problems!”

Finally find “contacts” in font-size point 4 tucked between copyright notice and “Site Map” link. Click “Contact Dell Support.” Click “Call Technical Support.”

“Sorry. Need your service-tag number again, sucker.”

Pour glass of milk, cut larger brownie square.

Type “dell.com.” Notice Dell sales number at top of screen. Dial 1-800-WWW-DELL.

Pleasant recorded voice reflecting mood on the other side of happy from mine: “So we can better serve you, please say or enter your Dell service-tag number.”

Spit number into phone.

“So we can better serve you, please describe how we can help you today.”

Shout “Need help restoring data!” into phone.

“Did you say find Dell shops in Florida?”

“RESTORE DATA, YOU IDIOT! RESTORE DATA!”

“Did you say you want to buy new music software? Because we have a great product that would make your computing experience more modern.”

“HUMAN BEING!!! HUMAN BEING!!!”

“We are now connecting you to a customer-service representative. Cool it, lady.  Eat a brownie or something.”

Hold music: Pleasant-Recorded-Voice-Lady’s teenage cousin singing “Lollipop! Lollipop! Oh, lolli-lollipop!”

Pleasant-Recorded-Voice-Lady returns: “Don’t freak, but approximately 182 people are ahead of you, and they’re all threatening violent crimes if we don’t service them first. You might check out our helpful online support services. You won’t have to wait on the phone for three hours to talk to someone who won’t be able to help you, anyway, because he’ll be reading from a flow chart from which he refuses to veer.”

Grab fork, place brownie pan on lap, dig into middle of brownies, shovel forkfuls into mouth with abandon.

Type “dell.com,” spraining index finger in process.  Click way furiously into Support Center again.  Click “Search Dell’s extensive Knowledgebase & Forums for answers.”

“You’re right, we don’t have a search mechanism, exactly, but you can read through the 30,625 topic threads to see if any pertain to you. But only if you type your service-tag number first.”

Place empty brownie pan in sink.