Attention, ladies, especially members of the Green Hills YMCA:

You know that new cardio machine at the gym, the one where you can make like you’re in-line skating, where you dart your booty out to one side and then the other? I know you think you look really sporty as you dart away on this thing, but you can’t see you from behind. Well, I saw you at the gym this weekend, and it nearly knocked me to the floor.

Because your booty, your “ass”et, your bum, your heiny, the one that looks so fine in a pair of Lucky jeans? It doesn’t look so good on that machine. In fact, it looks downright scary darting at onlookers that way, especially in those skin-tight black leggings we’re all wearing this time of year. Like those carnival mirrors that turn your image into a grotesque clown, this machine takes your sassy J-Lo-esque behind and enlarges it tenfold. I’m telling you, this machine is to your booty what horizontal stripes are to your hips. All I’m saying is, from one girlfriend to another, if you dare to venture onto this atrocity, TIE A SWEATSHIRT AROUND YOUR WAIST.

You’re welcome. I’ve got your back.